Good day, everyone. Maybe by the end of this post if you don’t agree that it is a good day, you will at least see why I think it is.
Ten years ago today, something Really Bad happened to my brain. I don’t need to go into details, but it is very fair to say that I almost died. And that was the second close call in my adult life; there was another, years earlier, with a different vital organ system. So I celebrate December 16th each year as “Not Dead Yet Day“. As this is this blog’s first NDYD, I figure you can all join in the celebration, for any reason you might have to celebrate life. It can be hard to love some aspects of life sometimes, especially in pretty depressing times like the 21st century can be (so far). This can especially feel true in light of recent events in Connecticut, or ongoing nightmares in Syria and many other lands, with vanishing innocents, vanishing wildlife and vanishing habitats, the inexorable heat death of the universe… shit I’d better stop now or I’ll lose it!
This day helps to remind me to stay focused, as much as I can, on what matters in my life, and what I can control in my life to make things better for the little bubble of the world that I exist in. Some things are far beyond even our hope, let alone our means, to control. And sometimes we get broadsided by Really Bad Shit. But in between any of that powerlessness or inauspicious shit, there can be joy from many sources– for me (like many others), it comes from family and friends, science and the natural world’s wonders, delicious food and amazing travel, and much more. It comes from experiencing reality with all its facets.
Here is my brain. You can’t see much. Feel free to make jokes about that, I’ve set myself up nicely with that last sentence!
These are MRI scan images from a routine checkup I had about 3 years ago. I suppose you can consider it a game of “Mystery MRI slices”, but one in which I give you the answer (my brain). You can see lots of cool anatomy here; if you know your anatomy feel free to mention what’s visible (or not) in the Comments, and make jokes– I will probably enjoy any of them. I like self-deprecatory humour. And happily, I checked out fine in that scan, and continue to be fine… relatively. I’m not the same person I was >10 years ago— in 2002 I got married (but missed my bachelor party because I was hospitalized for another problem), got an important paper (“Tyrannosaurus was not a fast runner”) published in Nature that changed my career (and arguably got me my job today), had this Really Bad thing happen, and plenty more. It was an eventful year.
At the time the Really Bad thing happened, I was feeling poorly but working very hard on final revisions/re-analysis of elephant gait data for a paper that ended up being published in Nature in 2003; so things ended up looking even better for my career. But I made a decision that day that, in a fortunate way, ended up having a greater impact than any mere publication. Rather than sit in my house with our cats and feel poorly, I made the choice to drive in to work and process more elephant video data. Just as I was parking my car on the Berkeley campus (illegally; I was feeling very poorly by that point) to go in to do the work… I woke up in an ambulance.
I was lucky. I was somewhere public where I was spotted having trouble, not alone in my house for >8 hours until my newlywed-wife came home to discover me. So I got help, and medical science saved my ass — and my brain, and thus other regions of my anatomy and my mortal existence. If I’d adopted the other choice, and stayed home alone, our cats probably would have witnessed something terrible and been unable to help, awesome as kitties can be.
I’ve never felt the same after that day. I’m certainly a case of “scarred but smarter.” I can say smarter mainly because my brain survived the trauma OK and I learned from the experience. I can say scarred because I still feel repercussions of all sorts from that Really Bad day. Although I’ve always had a dark sense of humour, strongly connected with my eccentric passions in science (e.g. this blog! Go figure.), I think it’s fair to say that my humour darkened. I’m not as bubbling with joy as I used to be. I used to almost always grin and exclaim “Excellent!” when someone asked me “how’s it going?”. I can still burble with frabjous joy, but not quite as often.
That day brought me closer in touch with the darker side of life, and the brighter side too. I think I’d been overlooking both. Closer in touch with reality, and with the serendipity and calamity that accompany it. There have been other, terrible events in my life since then, too, that have brought new existentialist focus to my mind, but that’s a part of most people’s middle age period (e.g. losing many loved ones). I’ve had a great career so far, too, thanks in part to good things that happened 10 years ago, and to good things that have happened since thanks to hard work and some good fortune. But that doesn’t mean life has been a nonstop joyride, or even easy.
So today I take some special time to think about what life is about, what is real and must be faced wide awake vs. what is self-deceitful slumber, and why life is still worth loving– which I do love, with all my brain. And every day I think about the big changes that 2002 wrought on my life, and how so many other seemingly important things that happen in my life don’t matter one fucking bit– hence I try to just have fun, be a good human and not worry so much.
Have the best day you can have, everyone. I’m off to have some fun family time, but wanted to share my brain’s thoughts with you today. Maybe you have a similar story to share, too, or maybe my brain’s thoughts inspire some in your own brain. It’s wonderful how that glistening anatomy can do such things, and it’s wonderful how resilient that anatomy is, much as we need to be… because we are one and the same, our brains and our selves that dwell inside them, and the love of life that they can conjure.
If this post bummed you out, just focus on these contented cats.
What's In John's Freezer? 
I don’t have anything important to say, only: love, peace, respect.
Thanks Darren; the LP&R is appreciated and mutual!
Now I know why those chairs have a round bottom. It’s for orange kitties to fit into.
John, I’m really glad you’re NDY. You add a little fun and education (your regular commenters have to get some credit too) to an amateur anatomy nerd/middle-aged-but-curious woman in some far corner of the world. And this: “just have fun, be a good human and not worry so much” are very wise words indeed.
Happy Anniversary, and many more!
As to anatomical features from your MRIs – is that your eyeball glowing like a lightbulb in there? Years ago I had MRSs done of my head too, but I was not involved in this world at the time and I never thought to ask for copies. Needless to say, they found nothing in my head either, which was very good news.
Thanks very much Carol, and yes that’s my eyeball! Pretty neat to see that! I always get copies if I have a CT or MRI scan done, for medical and for anatomy nerd reasons. 🙂
So glad you’re NDY!
Yes! last Spring everybody asked me why i came in to work with a concussion bad enough that I couldn’t read and I was in fact taking a sick day. Because if anything happened at home no one would notice I was gone until three days later… …best to be where people can see you.
Thanks Anne, yeah in cases like these it’s good to be surrounded by people who won’t stand and stare/ignore it (like my cats) if your body fails!
[…] John Hutchinson invites us to pick his brains. Fortunately for him, my David-Peters-Remote-Studies course on fossil analysis is progressing well and – hey, if it works for stone it should work for John’s grey matter. So I’m proudly present you with the cause of John’s ills … he’s got an anatomically correct, Wittonesque-nosed Tyrannosaurus lodged in his grey matter. I recommend he dangle something small and furry in front of his nose for a week or so, knowing that all dinosaurs find such synapsid bait simply irresistible. […]
Ha! Awesome! I love this picture. I will treasure it forever. Thanks!
Holy shit. I usually tell people (my students) to take their body-messages seriously, and the day off. Now I’ll have to recommend they do something in heavily populated public spaces.
As to your rare condition, I think I may have the solution: http://www.drip.de/?p=2442
Thanks man! My course of action works for non-infectious diseases; for infection it’s probably better to minimize contact– and indeed in the case I described, I thought I just had a bad case of the flu… how wrong I was!
Happy anniversary, John. NDYE! (Not Dead Yet, Either)
I had a life-threatening experience at home alone and somehow drove myself to a hospital, in the nick of time. I wouldn’t be here, either, if I didn’t have a car, couldn’t drive, or lived far from a hospital, etc.
For a unique perspective on what it’s like to be NQDY (Not Quite Dead Yet), it might be a good idea every year or so to watch Warren Zevon’s farewell guest appearance on the David Letterman Show (thank you, YouTube, albeit split into multiple video segments):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hl9Tw2GzvA (part 1, but watch them all)
It’s great television, and an ever greater reminder to, in Zevon’s parting words, enjoy every sandwich.
Thanks Fran- coincidence and happenstance sure can takes us on “interesting” turns… and yet we’ll never hear from those for whom such fortune did not shine at the right time. I’ll check out the Zevon show- thanks for the tip, this should be intriguing!
Happy NDYD, and may there be many, many more to follow. I loved your beautiful and inspiring post.
Thank you Stella!
Awesome post John, just awesome. Best holiday wishes to you and your family.
Thanks man, happy holidays to you too!
Great stuff, John, thanks for sharing it.
Thanks dude.
Somehow, it seems fitting that your Not Dead Yet Day falls on my son’s due date (though he’s apparently decided not to stop being part of ‘my’ anatomy just yet). Thanks for sharing, and may you feel this way on many more NDYD.
Thanks- and wow, good luck with the baby — may Not Born Yet Day soon become Happy Birthday! I bet your anatomy is tired of having his anatomy on board, and eager to have some new independence and fun interaction with your new son. Congrats in advance!
Nice brain! My dad survived a hemorrhagic stroke because he went out to get aspirin to contend with the terrible headache – and relatively fortunately he crashed his car before he reached the pharmacy. He survived (with left neglect and giant personality changes but few somatic effects) only to die of cancer a few years later. But he would really have appreciated this sentiment. Congratulations!
Thanks for the story, gingerest. Terrifying and sad. I was lucky my bad day hit me when I was young and strong.
A brain tyrannosaur – of course!
A great read, John. Thanks for sharing. I can see why it’s called ‘grey matter’.
If your cats are like mine, that’ll be your chair they’ve chosen out of all of the others.
Thanks Mark- yeah that’s our comfy chair that the cats annexed.
For some reason that first scan puts me in mind of Homer Simpson… http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_kRcGF95cQgk/Sw1ijXJdmKI/AAAAAAAABNE/4kjlmPSKhfI/s400/z_homer-simpson-brain-crayon-xray.jpg
Yes we have many things in common, Homer and I… wait, that’s not good. D’oh!
March 21, 1957 is the day something Really Bad happened to my brain. No need to go into detail other than to say that I still hear the sound of the other car hitting ours. If I count correctly, it has been 55 years, so it looks like you can look forward to many more NDYD’s if you follow my advice: Wake up every morning. (I must admit that the first thing I thought of when looking at your first MRI was Homer Simpson. Duff cures all.)
I totally agree with the “wake up every morning” policy. Thanks, Old Geezer! I will continue to apply Duff ad libitum.
Or, failing that, at least wake up in the afternoon.
Yes, just don’t wake up in the evening, or you’re in a book/film from the Twilight series… a fate worse than death.
Hi John, Happy NDYD and many thanks for sharing this.
Have a happy holidays and and excellent end of year!
Cheers!
Thanks Ale!
i’m not dead yet – and my biggest near-death experience was this titanian hung over a couple of weeks ago.. but despite having already a bigger contact with my dark and melancholic side, i had an experience earlier this year that made me think of these things you mention in a whole different way – what am i doing with my life? am i living the dreams i had? are my decisions worth the things i left aside? i think i’m somewhat still numb with my friend’s sudden death – and it gets worse with the dark and cold of winter. i can but imagine how it feels when it happens not to someone close to us, but to ourselves.. thanx for sharing and for giving me reasons to stop my end-of-the-year mimimi and fly to cherish the ones waiting for me.
Thanks for sharing this, Gabi, and very sorry about your friend. I’ve lost some, too, and too young. But life can be great even with the downsides. A lot of that comes from how one lives it, I guess, but no one is an expert. I hope your holidays get happy soon!
A belated happy NDYD and all the best for 2013. It has to be said, brains have a remarkable ability to re-wire and re-route their neural pathways, even after a serious trauma.
All the best to you and yours.
Thanks Stu! 🙂
I’m glad you’re here with us!
Also, your cats certainly know how to colour-coordinate…
It’s good to be reminded to be thankful for each day.
We had a brush with congestive heart failure in my Chihuahua, Hoggle this last Friday. He’s stable and doing fine now. Amazing how happy I am to see him every time he greets me at the door.
This is the kind of quiet awareness that the business of our culture blinds us to.
Thanks for this post. All the best to you and yours!
Thanks Jenn, and good luck to Hoggle!
Drawn in by the title of the blog and blown away by the coolness of your freezer (and blog, of course). Feeling the impact of your Dec. 16 post, especially as the semester’s lull permits such ruminations. Rarely do I pay much attention to the authors of nifty blogs (that could be kind of stalker-ish), but that smirk on your face…then…wait a minute! Wait a minute! Last time I saw that smirk must have been not too long before the aforementioned NDYD, the realization of which elicits even greater reaction. Looking back, I hope I gave you a great big bear hug when I saw you. I am delighted to know that you are still out there smirking and reveling in the amazing coolness of biology. I wish you and your wife an excellent new year! And I look forward to peering further into your freezer (as will my husband and my best friend when I show them)! Cheers! ~
Hey, thanks, and nice to hear from you, Marlene! Still smirking away, yes! 😉
Hi John, a redditor’s post led me to your blog, and I must say it’s astounding! Very informative (and kitties, to boot!) Thanks for putting such interesting things on the internet. We need more people like you.
Aww, thanks Winter-Stardust! 🙂 I will continue to ensure that (live) kitties make a regular appearance.
[…] Everything came crashing to a halt and I had to think about what it all meant—these were gigantic life-and-death questions to face at age 31! Luckily, I recovered without much deficit at all, and I regained my momentum with renewed stubborn dedication and grit, although my recover took many months, and took its toll on my psyche. I’ve told this story before in this post about my brain. […]
[…] then more fundamentally there was the question of, why a seizure? With no clear warning? As I’ve explained before, I’d had a stroke ~12 yrs ago that caused a similar seizure but with no injuries to my postcranial body. So a series of MRI and […]
[…] What’s In John’s Brain?– 16 December, 2012: The post that started it all, on the 10th anniversary “Not Dead Yet Day” of my stroke. […]